Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault

We have the privilege of presenting an excerpt from Lindsey and Justin Holcomb's brand-new book Rid Of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault. I've read the whole thing and can honestly say that it is an indispensable resource, a work of deep compassion and pastoral sensitivity, bringing grace to bear on a very dark corner indeed. A truly important and unique accomplishment. The first chapter begins thus:

If you have suffered as the result of a sexual assault, this book is written to you and for you—not about you. What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against. Despite all the pain, healing can happen and there is hope.

While you may cognitively agree that hope is out there, you may still feel a major effect of the sexual assault—disgrace, a deep sense of filthy defilement encumbered with shame.

Disgrace is the opposite of grace. Grace is love that seeks you out even if you have nothing to give in return. Grace is being loved when you are or feel unlovable. Grace has the power to turn despair into hope. Grace listens, lifts up, cures, transforms, and heals.

Disgrace destroys, causes pain, deforms, and wounds. It alienates and isolates. Disgrace makes you feel worthless, rejected, unwanted, and repulsive, like a persona non grata (a “person without grace”). Disgrace silences and shuns. Your suffering of disgrace is only increased when others force your silence. The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing.
[CONTINUE READING]

Another Week Ends: Christian Kung Fu, Calvin and Hobbes, Luther, Mel Gibson, Muppets, FNL, Dollhouse

1. An article in The New York Times this week about "Where Feet, Fist and Faith Collide". A number of Evangelical churches have turned to martial arts as a means to reach out to disaffected young men. While I certainly applaud the efforts of churches to engage with the widespread and tragic "fatherlessness" epidemic, I find this particular approach fairly disturbing - as if American Christians weren't already obsessed with "conflict" enough (ht JS):

The goal, these pastors say, is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of Jesus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing. “Compassion and love — we agree with all that stuff, too,” said Brandon Beals, 37, the lead pastor at Canyon Creek Church outside of Seattle. “But what led me to find Christ was that Jesus was a fighter.”

Count me out!

2. Our beloved Bill Watterson, creator of the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip, granted a very rare and very short interview this past week to an Ohio-based website. His take on the power of the strip is characteristically wise, and frankly sounds a bit akin to preaching (ht JS):

"The only part I understand is what went into the creation of the strip. What readers take away from it is up to them. Once the strip is published, readers bring their own experiences to it, and the work takes on a life of its own. Everyone responds differently to different parts. I just tried to write honestly, and I tried to make this little world fun to look at, so people would take the time to read it. That was the full extent of my concern. You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens. I can't explain why the strip caught on the way it did, and I don't think I could ever duplicate it."

3. A great little piece over at The Resurgence from Mbird contributor Justin Holcomb, entitled "What Would Luther Do?". He concludes, "In the face of suffocating religion and moralism, [Luther] would offend boldly and celebrate the liberty of faith for the sake of the gospel."

4. I love Mel Gibson. Though certainly not without his (significant) foibles, I believe he is a genius filmmaker, with Apocalypto standing as one of the greatest cinematic works of the past decade. And though I may give Edge Of Darkness a miss, Gibson's recent remarks about Tiger Woods only increased my affection for the man. He certainly understands what it means to call Jesus "the friend of sinners". No doubt his comments will not serve his cause - or Tiger's (ht RC):



5. In other TV/Movie news: the next Muppet movie has a new director! None other than James Bobin, one of the principal forces behind Flight Of The Conchords. This, plus the fact that script was co-written by Jason Segal (Freaks and Geeks, Forgetting Sarah Marshall), more than makes up for the omnipresent muppefied Disney commercials now invading the small screen. I am very very excited about this.

The finale of the 4th season of Friday Night Lights airs next Weds and will conclude what I consider to be one of the more powerful and best seasons of television ever aired. If you haven't caught up, and don't want to wait until the episodes finally air on NBC in April, you can do so here. Speaking as a compete non-football person, I could not recommend this series more highly (it featured prominently in my recent breakout session down in FL - stay tuned...) This past season has had the Theology of the Cross - of God working through suffering and defeat - oozing out of every pore. The show also contains the greatest on-screen marriage I have ever witnessed.

The second and final season of Dollhouse wrapped up two weeks ago, concluding yet another chapter in the current Golden Age of TV - as well as one of Joss Whedon's greatest episode arcs (which is really saying something). A more clever, penetrating and ultimately profound look at the whole identity question would be hard to find. Dollhouse is a mindtrip of the most engrossing kind. Unfortunately, in order to have even a chance at understanding it, you must begin from the beginning, sitting through the rather lackluster first half of the first season.

And about that LOST premiere - Kierkegaard, anyone?!

p.s. Coming soon: the round-up of our Florida mini-conference!

The Christian Side Hug

What the world needs more of is the "Christian Side Hug." If you are not sure what that means, click here for an explanation. Or you can watch the video below.

Thoughts? Comments?

Where is Thomas Cranmer?

Season 3 of Showtime's "The Tudors" ends October 27. The 4th season begins in 2010 in order to end the saga of Henry VIII. One of the characters in the story is Thomas Cranmer, archbishop of Canterbury. He showed up on the scene in season 2 but has not yet arrived in season 3. This has fans asking, "Where is Thomas Cranmer?"

I love that people are asking for more Cranmer. I wish more Christians were asking for more of him. Here is why. In one of his prayers, Cranmer wrote: "we have no power in ourselves to help ourselves." He also gave the best definitions of "faith" ever: "nothing else but assured hope and confidence in Christ's mercy."

For more on why Thomas Cranmer is so important in Christian history, read this post at The Resurgence.

MTV Awards and Grace

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards displayed disgrace and grace. Kayne West illustrated “disgrace” and Beyonce embodied “grace.”

After Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video, Kanye West grabbed the mic from her during her acceptance speech. He humiliated her and made her feel like she didn’t belong there, like she was not welcome, and like she should be silent. Judgment disgraces you. Watch Taylor Swift shrink in dejection.

But Beyonce redeemed it. After it was announced that she won the top award of the evening—Video of the Year—Beyonce gave up her opportunity to give an acceptance speech so Taylor Swift could give the one she tried to give before the punk of disgrace ruined her great moment.

People have commented that what Beyonce did was classy. It was way more than that. Acknowledging Taylor Swift in her acceptance speech would have been “classy.” What she did was grace in action. She gave up her moment of glory so another could have her spotlight.

That’s what grace does.

Disgrace and the Cross

Few experiences can cause someone to feel a sense of disgrace more than being the victim of sexual assault. My wife and I wrote a post for The Resurgence attempting to apply grace and the cross to the horror of sexual assault. You can read the entire post here.

Here are some excerpts:

Disgrace is the opposite of grace. Disgrace destroys, causes pain, deforms, and wounds. It alienates and isolates. Disgrace makes you feel worthless, rejected, unwanted, and repulsive, like a persona non grata (a "person without grace"). Disgrace silences and shuns.

To your sense of disgrace, God gives grace. A good short definition of grace is "one-way, unconditional love." This is the opposite of your experience of assault, which was "one-way violence." Grace has the power to turn despair into hope. Grace listens, lifts up, cures, transforms, and heals.

Victims can more meaningfully celebrate the victorious resurrection of Christ when they can identify with the horrendous victimizing of the cross. Jesus was the recipient of violence that mirrors much of what victims experience (shame, humiliation, silence, betrayal, pain, mockery, travesty of justice, loneliness, etc.). His suffering and death were real and brutal, but there was a resurrection after Good Friday. The cross is both the consequence of evil and God's method of accomplishing redemption. Jesus' resurrection is proof that God is about redeeming, healing, and making all things new.

Buddy Christ Takes a Back Seat

Jesus is the most significant person in history and the number of versions of him is fascinating. Sometimes Jesus is pictured as the enlightened sage who says lofty but generic spirituals things. Or he is your moral teacher who gives us helpful principles to live by and makes us nicer and more successful. And sometimes we are told he is our sweet friend who just wants to affirm you for being you.

Our temptation seems to be that we create a Jesus out of our own wishes and then we worship him, which sounds a bit narcissistic and creepy, doesn’t it? People want to tame and domesticate Jesus to make him more safe. That’s why my friend Jared Wilson wrote his book, Your Jesus is Too Safe: Outgrowing a Drive-Thru, Feel Good Savior. This book is winsome, insightful, and packed with the good news from and about Jesus. Your Jesus is Too Safe sets up the problem of myriad Jesuses throughout church and cultural history, each made in our own images and reflective of our own prejudices, preferences, and sins.

The book reads like a great blend of Paul Zahl’s The First Christian, Stephen Prothero’s American Jesus, and Mark Driscoll’s Vintage Jesus. Wilson’s aim is to provide a fresh look at “the historical Jesus” but in a tone and context more pastoral than academic, but he doesn’t leave the academic behind.

Each chapter takes a particular angle on Jesus—promise, sacrifice, shepherd, prophet, judge, redeemer, savior, Lord, forgiver, king, provision—and then focuses on “the unsearchable riches of Christ” for impoverished sinners.

In addition to lots of humor in the book, personal stories abound, as well as commentary on news items like church and school shootings and oddities like the guy in Miami who claims to be Jesus. While there are scattered indictments of gospel-deficient churches, the book is a positive declaration of Jesus Christ’s grace and goodness.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"Not only does he identify himself as the Good Shepherd who sacrifices himself for the sheep, he places himself in the role of sacrificial lamb. In John 10 he may be calling himself the Good Shepherd, but nine chapters previous, John the Baptist is calling him the Lamb of God. He is both the shepherd and the sheep. That’s how far Jesus was willing to go to save us. That’s how far he’s willing to go to identify with us" (112-113).

"We have a Shepherd who relentlessly chases after us. We have a Shepherd who is constantly on the lookout for his lost sheep. This is the kind of Shepherd who will prioritize the lost one ahead of the secured one" (117).

"A resurrection gospel is a full gospel. What we are accustomed to is a simplistic, stripped down gospel, a gospel that suggests, ‘You have issues, but Jesus died for you; now be a good person.’ The full gospel says, ‘The problem is a radical one no less serious than death and it requires a radical intervention no less powerful than resurrection’" (271).

"We are saved from many things: sin, Satan, punishment, death. But primarily we are saved from the wrath of God. And we aren’t just passed over for wrath; we are brought in, held close, covered up. We have received reconciliation. This is such a powerful way to talk about salvation, because it moves us beyond self-centered talk of being saved into a personal faith, as if Christianity is about self-improvement, and takes us right into being unified again with God, which posits salvation such as it is—Jesus the Savior taking dead strangers to God and transforming them into living friends" (274).

Check out more posts from Jared’s blog tour.

Offended by Jesus

I was offended by grace last night.

My wife was reading the story of Jesus interacting with Zacchaeus from the Jesus Storybook Bible to our 6 month-old daughter. Usually, children’s bibles are filled with simple moralistic truisms, but this particular bible is spectacular in its ability to point to Jesus and his Gospel in every single story. I highly recommend it to parents who aren’t trying to raise mean little fundamentalists.

Back to the offense. As my wife read the story I found myself hating Zacchaeus because he was exploiting the poor. I was imagining him taking double taxes from elderly couples, letting his buddies off the hook of their taxes, and wasting the hard-earned money of hard-working people so he could live in luxury. It’s no wonder that people were shocked when Jesus went to his house for dinner.

No Christian wants to be on the side of Pharisees. They are the poster-children for cranky, up-tight, legalists who got Jesus killed. But there I was last night siding with the Pharisees against the tax collectors: “Jesus, you can’t associate with this man who exploits the marginalized. You have to preach against him, not eat dinner with him. This is your chance to really show that God is FOR the oppressed and beaten-down. Attack their oppressor."

I thought of Madoff going to prison for 150 years. I wanted the equivalent of that for Zacchaeus. That would be justice.

And then Jesus's message got through: grace is for the oppressed AND the oppressor, God gives me mercy and NOT justice, and God resists the proud BUT gives grace to the humble.

Thanks, Jesus Storybook Bible, for making Jesus’ message so simple and clear: "Salvation has come to this house because I have come to seek and to save what was lost."

John turns 500 today

Happy Birthday, John Calvin!

In celebration of John Calvin, I wrote a post for The Resurgence on his amazing definition of “faith.” Calvin writes: "Now we shall have a proper definition of faith if we say it is a steady and certain knowledge of the Divine benevolence toward us, which being founded upon the truth of the gratuitous promise in Christ is both revealed to our minds and sealed in our hearts by the Holy Spirit."

I love this quote because it has all the basics of the Christian message. First, it is about “God’s favor towards us.” The holy creator of the universe focuses his goodness towards me? That’s unbelievable and mind blowing. Second, it includes the “gratuitous promise in Christ.” This is a cool way to say that Jesus’ love for us is extravagant and overabundant. John 1:16 describes this as "grace upon grace." Third, the Holy Spirit works this into our minds and hearts for us. Thank God that I don’t have to muster faith, but that God freely gives to those who ask (Luke 11:11-13).

Harvard Business Review, Grace, and Motivation

There is an intriguing post in the HBR that mentions some themes celebrated on this blog.

The first attention grabber is the section on motivation: “It is important to understand the basics of motivation. The stronger source of motivation is internal and not external, though external incentives can help as long as they are applied to the right people and properly aligned with internal motivators. However, external motivators are tricky.”

Religion is frequently focused on external motivation, usually in the form of demand or passive-aggressive suggestions or exhortation or practical and pragmatic advice. But these rarely have much staying power. However, motivation from within—triggered by constantly hearing about God’s one way love because of Jesus and by being transformed by the Holy Spirit—seems to bear some fruit and give life. This is what scripture teaches. Romans 2:4 says “God’s kindness leads to repentance” and Philippians 2:13 says “It is God who works in you to will and to act according to God’s good purpose.”

The second noteworthy point is on “fair” compensation: “Compensation should be reasonable because it is part of human nature to expect fair treatment when it comes to compensation, which should be somehow proportional to our efforts and/or results. This sense of a fair deal seems to be genetically anchored. Even primates respond with aggression or anger when they feel unfairly treated. This has been revealed by some fascinating research with capuchin monkeys. In their experiments the primatologists created a market in which monkeys were trained to give them a pebble in exchange for food. While 95% of the monkeys participated in that market initially, when relative rewards became unfair only 20% of the monkeys continued to trade... and some got so frustrated they simply tossed away their pebbles!”

This reminded me of the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matt 20:1-16). The five sets of laborers arrived to work at 6am, 9am, 12noon, 3pm, and 5pm (nearly quitting time). They were all paid at 6pm and all received the same pay—one denarius—which is what everyone agreed to. It is not surprising that those arriving earlier and doing more work would envy those who did less, yet receive the same pay. I would have been furious if I worked all day and got paid the same as the slackers. But, I’m a slacker (or “chief of sinners” as Paul put it in 1 Timothy 1:15), and thankfully I get treated like a 5pm worker.

We want things to be fair and grace is not fair. When we are tempted to complain that grace isn’t fair we’ve forgotten the Good News that we are not saved because of our merit or worthiness, but because of His mercy and grace.

Name that Syncretism

Want to play a game? First, let me set it up.

In 2007, an Episcopal priest (the Rev. Ann Holmes Redding) converted to Islam. But it was a different sort of conversion. She (supposedly) didn't disavow Christianity but simply blended in her Muslim beliefs. People termed her an Episcoslamic Muslipalian.

Last month, the diocese of Northern Michigan elected Father Forrester, a professed Zen Buddhist, as their bishop. Now a Muslim-Christian makes a bit more sense since both are monotheistic traditions. But blending a theistic religion and non-theistic philosophy seems difficult. People have called him a Buddhapalian.

This isn't just a Christian + "other religions" phenomenon. Recently, I had a conversation with someone who referred to himself as a "Jew-Bu" (a hybrid of Jewish and Buddhist).

Instead of arguing against this shmorgisborg approach to religion, let's play a game. What's the most creative religious pairing you can come up with? For some inspiration, you might want to visit a discussion at SoulPancake and read answers to the question "Is it possible to be a part of more than one religion? Do you have to choose?"

I'll start. "Scientatholic" is Scientology + Catholicism. This guilt isn't free. You have to pay thousands of dollars for it.

Humility?

I went from thinking this guy was a jerk and waiting for him to get punched to wanting to be his friend. Be sure to see the end of the clip. There's just something appealing about people who don't take themselves too seriously. I hope God's grace makes me more like him.

Jesus is Coming Back, Hide Your Porn

A new study was published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives showing that the more conservative and religious a state is, the more likely its residents are to purchase porn on-line. Of the 10 states where porn is most consumed, eight of them gave their electoral votes to John McCain. Out of the 10 states with the lowest consumption, only four did.

Guess which state consumes the most porn per capita? Mormon land, Utah. They don’t drink caffeine, but they sure like their porn. Basically, if you are selling on-line porn, be sure to target the people who profess religious or conservative values.

About his findings, Benjamin Edelman says: "Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by."

Is anyone really shocked by all this? It just proves that moral and religious commands do not generate the ability to follow those commands. Not only do commands not cause obedience, but Paul writes: “The law was added so that the trespass might increase” (Romans 5:20).

As I was reading the article, I was getting smug and angry at the hypocrisy revealed by the conservative and religious types. And then a few of Jesus’ words came to mind: "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:27-28).

Oops. I’ve done that. Guilty. I am the hypocrite.

In Matt 7:3-5, Jesus follows up with: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I was being hypocritical about the hypocrites. Thankfully, Paul continues in Romans 5: “But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Top Ten Lullaby Renditions: Rockabye Baby

Since many of the Mockingbird readers are musically savvy and top ten lists are no stranger to this blog, I thought this could be fun.

My wife and I just had our first child in early January and she has received some pretty cool gear. I particularly like her “Jesus is My Homeboy” and KISS onesies. But her aunt Rachel and uncle Jacob bought her the best present—lullabies from Rockabye Baby.

Basically, it is cool baby music. They transform some of the best classic rock, punk, alternative, and metal into lullabies. They currently have 25 different albums. Here are my top ten renditions:

1. Metallica
   
2. U2
   
3. Nirvana
4. Smashing Pumpkins
5. Bob Marley
6. Coldplay
7. Radiohead
8. Led Zepplin
9. Nine Inch Nails (As much as I like Nine Inch Nails, I’m grossed out by humming “Closer to God” to a kid.)
10. AC/DC

So, what’s missing? What should be next? I’m hoping for Guns N’ Roses, Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine....and Stryper.

Why is this happening to me?

I'm not sure which part is a better illustration of the human condition, his primal scream or his questions ("Is this real life? I feel funny. Why is this happening to me? Is this going to be forever?").

For a bit of context: This kid has an extra tooth removed and he's coming out of the anesthesia daze.

Shame on You?

On Monday, DZ posted about a NY Times article on how very few resolutions last past Valentine's day, which causes one to question how and if people change. That article didn't offer much hope for change. But an article in Tuesday's The Washington Post, "Practice What You Plan to Preach," offered one solution to the resolution conundrum...SHAME:

"The most effective way to get people to change their behavior revolves around the clever use of...hypocrisy. When people feel not only that they are failing themselves but also that are failing to live up to what they tell other people to do, they change their behavior -- and stick to it."

Jean Paul Sartre said "shame is the hemorrhage of the soul." That's a high price to pay for change. In his book Gift and Grace, Paul Tournier, writes: “I cannot study the problem of guilt without raising the very obvious and tragic fact that religion—my own as well as others—can crush instead of liberate. What my patients truly seek is grace. Yet in most places they encounter shame, the threat of punishment, and a sense of judgment.”

Time For A Change?

Thank you Justin Holcomb for alerting us to the amazing little piece that appeared in the NY Times on New Year's Eve! Entitled "New Year, New You? Nice Try", the article explores the dynamics of New Years resolutions. The question of how/if people change is a recurring one on this blog, and at the risk of being a buzz-kill...:

"In a season of change, in a year of change, most people who embark on a journey of self-renewal can expect anything but. Research shows that about 80 percent of people who make resolutions on Jan. 1 fall off the wagon by Valentine’s Day, according to Marti Hope Gonzales, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota.

Such revelations will hardly come as a surprise to the repeat offenders and recidivists — that is, most of us — who year after year make, and break, the same resolutions."
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Dr. Edward D. Miller, the dean of the medical faculty at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, said more than 70 percent of coronary bypass patients revert to unhealthy habits within two years of their operation. Dr. Dean Ornish, the cardiologist and diet author, frequently cites a conclusion by a panel of nutritional experts convened in 1992 by the National Institutes of Health that two-thirds of dieters gain back any lost weight within a year.
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For five straight years, Ms. Leavitt broke her New Year’s resolution to stop biting her nails. “I went to a nail salon and had fake nails put on, I bit those,” she said. “I tried Lee press-on nails, I bit those off. I tried the stuff where you paint on nails, I bit those off. I even tried psychological stuff — ‘If I bite my nails, terrible stuff is going to happen to me, I’m not going to sell my novel.’ Nothing worked.”

In the end, Ms. Leavitt said, she overcame her habit after visiting a hypnotherapist. “The hypnosis didn’t work, either,” she added, “but something he said did: that I would always want to bite my nails, but the key was that I would want pretty nails more. He was right. I still want to chew my nails to the nubs, but I keep admiring my hands instead.”